Say thank you?

    At first glance, a simple word, probably among the first batch of words that a toddler is taught yet rarely do we come by it. Thank you conveys gratitude and is considered courteous. Westerners admire and consider the use of the word as impactful. Dale Carnegie in his famous book “How to win Friends and influence people” gives lot of emphasis to making the other person feel important and to express how thankful we are to them.

    If school, and during our first interactions with family, friends and relative we are taught to utter ‘thank you’ whenever we receive anything from anybody(irrespective of whether it’s a gift or loan/ a valuable thing or a trivia). The other prominent word integrated into our vocabulary is ‘sorry’. Initially we are less critical and say thank you to everyone, but the lack of the feeling of gratitude soon inhibits from using the word frequently. Even when we use it, we use it in a mechanical manner, without really meaning it. Leil Lowndes in his book ‘How to talk to Anyone’ prohibits the use of a blank thank you. He stresses the necessity to emphasize what one is thankful for.

    But in the Indian way of life, the word apart from conveying gratitude seems to have metamorphosed into one which acknowledges dominance and confirms subservience. It gives recognition to the power of the giver. Robert Cialdini in his book, ‘Influence-science and practice’ has narrated how simple acknowledgments and recognitions could be used to extract compliance and induce behavioral changes.   

   The word implies a subtle acknowledgment of the hegemonic ruling class. It perhaps is not to express gratitude to the giver, but to remind the receiver of their indebtedness and gratitude. The acknowledgment of the received benefit does not seem as important as the recognition of the benefit as benevolence.

    The mighty and the wealthy never bother to use the word. They carry on with their lives with a sense of entitlement. It seems only the poor, weak and dependant say thanks. They feel like beneficiaries and not only feel indebted but readily express their indebtedness and gratitude as well.

    Now, let me narrate how I have come to give up on the feeling of being a beneficiary and started imbibing the sense of entitlement. I used to be of the belief that I had a polite demeanor to say thank you to everyone except my immediate family members when I receive anything from them. I used to take pride that I was cultured to thank the conductor for handing over the ticket to me, the shopkeeper for giving me the items. Even though I had paid him for the service I somehow had the habit of mechanically saying thank you. Obviously, the mechanical “thank you” was acknowledged by few and rather neglected by many.

   Earlier, when I went to shop I conveyed my gratitude to the shopkeeper when I received the items from him and then when he rendered me the change. Then, one fine day it so happened that the shopkeeper fell a couple of rupees short of the change he had to give to me. I said, it was okay and walked away. I kept thinking why I did not say thank you to this good fellow. So, I repeated the practice. I started giving up on a few rupees. To be precise, I avoided receiving the coins and only the rupee notes. I said some reason or the other to avoid receiving coins. Sometimes an, It’s okay would suffice. If the other person was insistent I would say I already had a few with me and it was not comfortable to carry the coins. Soon I noticed a remarkable change in the attitude of the shoppers.  Some even conveyed their gratitude with the two magical words, but many conveyed it with their broad smile.

   However, there was this one shopkeeper who refused to be the one to get the few extra coins. When I said it was inconvenient to carry them, he immediately gave a ten rupee note. I was at the receiving end of the unequal transaction and had to utter the gratuitous thank you. The guy knew how to retain his upper hand.

   It seems that when I received the exact change they felt they had provided me with the service for which I paid them and we were even. But when I forfeited a few coins it ought to have caused them to feel that I was doing them a favor.   I can never be sure. I didn’t question or interview them. One perceptible change was that I felt entitled and seem to have an increased authority over the transaction. Is this all because I gave up a few single digit rupees coins?